Just some rambling...

This is how my mind is working nowdays...I was thinking about something while playing a game on facebook (probably Bejeweled Blitz, but who can remember?). I thought, "Hey, that would make a good blog." So I looked in my favorites, found the link to my blog, looked at it for a minute trying to remember how to do a new post, logged in, scanned through some recent entries on my friends' blogs, and by the time I got to this here box doohickey, I have completely forgotten why I came here in the first place. If you know me, you are not surprised. If you don't know me, why are you here? All that to say, this post may be more all over the map than usual.

First thing I'm thinking about: school. I've got 5th, 3rd, and 1st graders this year. Last week I sat down and made a list of all the books I've purchased over the last several years that I intended to use for homeschooling. I'm stunned at how much I have. Here I was thinking I had nothing, but it turns out I have way more than I will probably ever use. Of course, I can't part with any of it because I might decide I really do want to do those science experiments or have my kids do a paper on Amelia Earhart or study European model trains. Ooooo...but that would require me to actually be involved, and *stamps foot* I don't wanna go to school! I have great dreams for what kind of homeschooling mommy I want to be, but at the end of the day (or I guess the beginning) I'm just too lazy. Every year I think, this is the year I get off my butt and do those fun learning things with my kids. And every year I hand them their books and say, "Go do your school." On the plus side, my kids are learning to be independent. On the negative side, they're in their world, and I'm in mine. Do not be disheartened, God is working on me!

Second thing on my mind: being overwhelmed by the future. When I get overwhelmed, I tend to shut down, so I'm really, really trying not to do that, but I look at all that's coming up and lump it all into one big pile, and promptly freak out. I project how hard something will be or how busy it will make me, or how much it will cost, and because I (who have no control over anything) can't imagine how I'll handle it all I think I can't do any of it. So nothing gets done. And these are all things I actually want to do, so I get so frustrated with myself. Ethan will be doing 5th grade stuff at church now, and I am super-excited for him, but that means we'll have to mess with dropping him off and picking him up when there aren't any classes going on for the rest of us on Wednesdays. Oh, yeah, then there's the classes on Wednesdays. Do I want to take a class? What if there aren't any I want to take? Should I help with the kids? Can I get by with just sending Will and the kids? I'll already be doing a Monday night Bible Study, so is 2 too many? Oh yeah, the Monday night thing. Which week would work best for taking a snack? What else is going on those weeks that might interfere with my going, or render me too, I don't know, tired, to whip something up. What would I take anyway? Everything I try to make seems to end in catastrophe. I am plagued by self-doubt, insecurity, loneliness, and selfishness. Surely I'm the only one, right?

Third thing: We are not broke. I know we say we are, but God has blessed us abundantly, and we are poor stewards of His blessings. We have more than we need, but we have tied it up in debt, so while we are not broke, neither are we free. I catch myself thinking, "When we get out of debt, this is what I'm gonna buy." So I can get back into debt? I don't know. Anyway, being in debt is certainly not a blessing, but God is using it, hopefully for His glory. I am learning to be content with what I have, and also to be thankful for it. When I walk across our horrid tile floor (don't ask), and I'm tempted to complain about how much I hate it, I have to choose to be thankful that we have a floor that is not dirt, and that God has provided us with a home that shelters us and where we can welcome our friends and family. The other day I had to drive Will's car, and it does not have air conditioning. I believe the temp was around 101 that day. It was hot. I began the 20 minute drive thinking, "I hate this car! I'm mad that Will wasn't home when he said he'd be, so now I have to drive this piece of crap, and by the time I get to where I'm going I'll be all sweaty and nasty." But then God reminded me about something I read about when kids get older and start telling their parents "I hate you!" it's usually because they've heard their parents talk so much about what they hate. Instead I started thinking how thankful I am that we have 2 vehicles, that I have somewhere to go (to an ice cream party with my girlfriends), and that I won't be spending eternity in a place hotter than the car. I began listing off every thing I could be thankful for, and ya know, by the time I got there, I hadn't been focused on how hot I was, so I really didn't even notice it that much. Plus I was in a great mood! On the way home I purposed that whenever I start to complain about something, I'll look for a way to be thankful instead, because that's what I want my kids to learn too. So now I'm thankful for that ride in the car with no a/c. God is funny in what He chooses to use to get our attention.

I'm sure there are other things rambling around in my brain, but perhaps I've revealed too much already. That's it for this post, folks!